


It's the Little Things That Won't Ever Be the Same

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla as Space Parents, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Parental Hera Syndulla, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Post-Episode: s02e21-22 Twilight of the Apprentice, Sabine Wren Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27158048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: Kanan’s brows are furrowed. “She’s changing her hair again,” he mumbles.“How do you know?”“She’s… happy. Happier than usual.”---Sabine's excited about her new hair. Until she realizes that Kanan's never going to see it.
Relationships: Hera Syndulla & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 12
Kudos: 110





	It's the Little Things That Won't Ever Be the Same

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a thought I had on twitter that I finally turned into a fic: https://twitter.com/targaryenjedii/status/1312127363459608576?s=20
> 
> Kanan and Sabine's relationship does not get NEARLY enough love

Sabine checks the timer one more time. Only ten minutes left until she needs to rinse. 

She’s actually excited, for the first time since everything that happened on Malachor. She glances in the mirror at the purple paint on the tips of her hair, smiling widely to herself. The white is already a stark contrast against the gray walls of her room, and the pink and orange on her armor. The purple is shaping up to be a gorgeous complement.

Hair dye has an oddly meditative effect on Sabine. It always has, from the first time she put a streak of green into her original dark brown until right now, when she’s desperate to think about something that isn’t the awkward silence hanging over the entire Ghost crew. It’s infectious, the way her whole smile spreads across her face and the way her thoughts drift to happier times until she can’t remember why she was even upset in the first place. For a moment it feels like the old days again, before the war and the Rebellion when they all lived in their own little bubble on the Ghost. 

Sabine is snapped from her thoughts by the timer ringing, and her smile grows even bigger, if possible. The purple paint shines brightly against the light as she runs to the fresher. There’s even a skip in her step.

* * *

Hera’s sitting at the small table in the common room of the Ghost, nursing a mug of caf and eating a slice of meiloorun. Kanan has a mug of his own, but his head is turned towards the bunks and there’s a thoughtful expression on his face. 

She’s still not used to the milky-white eyes. The bandages came off a few weeks ago, but he’s been keeping a blindfold on once that happened. It’s only been a few days since he started keeping them uncovered around the rest of the family. 

Kanan’s brows are furrowed. “She’s changing her hair again,” he mumbles. 

“How do you know?”

“She’s… happy. Happier than usual.” 

Hera doesn’t say anything. There’s a weight to Kanan’s words that she doesn’t really like, but she doesn’t comment for now. She just rests a hand on his arm, squeezing slightly as she sips her caf.

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes. She missed spending time with him; he’s been much more distant than usual since Malachor. It was only a week ago that he started letting her stay with him for more than a few minutes at a time, and the small smile he flashes in her direction makes her feel a little warmer inside.

A few minutes later they hear excited footsteps coming towards them. Sabine rushes into the common room as the door opens, a bounce in her step and a huge smile on her face. Hera can’t help but smile back. Her hair is a brilliant white, with bright purple streaks along the tips that frame her face and contrast her armor lightly. She’s  _ so _ excited– Hera can see it written across her whole body.

“Isn’t it  _ great? _ ” Sabine says, smiling even wider. “I think it might be my best look yet. What do you guys think?”

“It looks wonderful, Sabine,” Hera says. But then she looks over at Kanan.

_ Oh, no.  _ The look on his face makes Hera’s heart shatter into pieces.

“Sabine…” He whispers the word, and it comes out so  _ small _ that it makes her want to hold him tight and never let him go.

But the look on Sabine’s face is worse, much worse. She looks like whatever spell she was under was violently broken, like someone hit her over the head with a mallet and ripped the world out from under her feet. There are tears in her eyes, like she only just remembered that Kanan is  _ blind _ , that he can’t see her hair and he never will again.

The three of them are frozen, hanging suspended in the moment and unable to move. Before Hera can find her voice, Sabine lets out a tiny sob, turning back the way she came and leaving the room. 

Hera stands up to follow her, before turning to glance back at Kanan. His face looks so pained that it stops her in her tracks. His lower lip is trembling, his whole body curling in on itself like he’s trying to make himself as small as possible until he disappears entirely. 

“Kanan,” Hera says, taking a step back towards him. Her hand is outstretched, and she aches to do something,  _ anything _ , to take that look away. 

But he turns away from her. “It’s okay,” he whispers, sounding like he’s trying not to cry. “Go, she needs you. It’s– I’m fine.” 

He’s  _ not  _ fine, not at all, and she can see it as clearly as if he’s holding up a flashing neon sign. Kanan needs her; she can feel his pain as vividly as if it’s her own. But she knows he won’t ask her for anything, and he won’t accept her help yet. Not while he knows Sabine is hurting too. 

So she sighs, fighting back tears of her own as she tries to steady her breathing. Turning away from him is almost impossible, but she does it anyway, because she knows he needs her to. 

She’s still fighting the lump in her throat the whole walk over to Sabine’s cabin.

* * *

Hera tentatively opens Sabine’s door, her heart pounding even more when she takes in the sight before her. Sabine’s head is resting against her knees, and she’s letting out small sobs in the empty room. 

Hera steps inside, walking slowly over and taking a seat next to Sabine on her bunk. She doesn’t say anything, not yet, because for now there’s nothing to say. There’s only pain, shared across all three of them, and a cloud hanging over all of their heads that Hera doesn’t know how to make go away. She wishes she did; it would make everything easier. 

Sabine looks up when Hera softly rests a hand on her back. 

“Hera, I’m sorry,” she says, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’m so  _ sorry,  _ I didn’t think, I just– I got so excited and…”  _ I forgot.  _ Hera can hear the unspoken end of that sentence as Sabine hangs her head again. 

“Hey,” Hera murmurs. “I know. It’s okay.” It’s not okay,  _ none  _ of it is okay, it’s not fair that Maul caused them all of this pain, but that’s not what Sabine needs to hear. 

She sniffs. Then– “Is Kanan okay?”

Hera sucks in a breath. Selfless  _ idiots _ , the both of them, always worried about someone else instead of thinking about themselves. 

“Kanan’s fine,” she lies. “Are you okay?” 

Sabine gives her a look, like she’s not buying what Hera’s selling. “I didn’t mean to hurt him,” she says through her sniffles. “I just thought… he always likes being the first to see my new hair. But now he  _ can’t _ .” Her voice breaks on the last word.

The lump in Hera’s throat is getting harder to hold back. She knows that– she remembers every time Sabine would eagerly seek Kanan out the minute she changed her hair. Kanan would always smile, making sure to compliment the color. It was their  _ thing _ , the little moments they both shared that were uniquely theirs. She’s suddenly filled with another wave of hatred for Maul for taking that away from both of them, along with everything else. 

“I know, Sabine,” Hera sighs, fighting to keep her voice steady. “This isn’t easy on any of us. It’s just going to take time to adjust.” It’s an understatement if there ever was one, but she wants to say  _ something _ to take that look off Sabine’s face. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Sabine is silent for a few moments. Then she says, in a voice that comes out much smaller than usual, “I hate Maul.”

Despite herself, Hera laughs. “I hate Maul, too.”

“I hate that Kanan’s never gonna see my hair. Or my art. Or–” Her voice breaks again.

“Hey,” Hera says, reaching to pull Sabine into a hug. “I know. I know. But he’ll be okay. You know Kanan always bounces back.” It sounds hollow, even to Hera. Sure, Kanan’s been injured, shot, stabbed, hell  _ comatose _ , but… he’s never been  _ blinded _ before. “He doesn’t want you to be upset.”

“It’s not his fault,” Sabine says immediately, looking up at Hera with panicked eyes. “It’s not. Don’t let him think that. It all just… sucks. It really, really sucks.”

Hera sighs again. “I know, Sabine. Believe me, I know.”

* * *

Kanan  _ felt _ it, too, and that’s the worst part. He can pinpoint with a painful clarity the precise moment when Sabine’s happiness shattered like glass as reality washed over her in one giant wave. He felt all her emotions as clearly as if they were his own, and somehow the worst part is that he could tell she was hurting for  _ him _ just as much as for herself.

He doesn’t deserve it. Today’s the first time Sabine’s been that happy in  _ ages _ , and he managed to kriff it all up in one moment. 

He knows there are tears streaming down his face, but he can’t bring himself to care. He hasn’t moved since Hera left; he’s been sitting here silently as Sabine’s tiny sob replays over and over again in his head. His chest has been uncomfortably tight this whole time, like someone’s been squeezing his heart in a vice-like grip. He can still feel Sabine’s grief like a tangible weight on his shoulders. 

“Kanan?” 

_ Hera.  _ He wipes his useless eyes, trying to make it seem like he  _ hasn’t _ been sitting here crying since they left, but he hears her small  _ oh, love _ before he can. Then suddenly she’s next to him, guiding his head onto her shoulder as her hand finds his. Her other one reaches for the tie in his hair, pulling it loose and running her fingers through it. 

“What can I do?” Hera whispers, before her lips press lightly against his forehead. 

He sighs. Hera’s always looking for answers, always trying to find the way to fix the problem. But this… this isn’t something she can fix. This isn’t something anyone can fix. It just is. And he  _ hates _ that he’s causing the rest of them so much pain. 

Still, Kanan’s arms find their way around her waist as he pulls her closer. “She was so  _ happy _ ,” he mumbles.

“It’s not your fault. She’s not upset with you.”

“ _ I’m _ upset with me,” Kanan says, as Hera’s hands rub his back. “She always has this dopey smile when she changes her hair. And I ruined it.” He swallows down the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey. Stop it.” Hera’s lips find his cheek, this time. “Sabine will be okay. You’ll both adapt, but it’s gonna take time, you know that.”

“I made her cry.” He’s seen Sabine cry maybe twice, before now.

“ _ You _ didn’t do anything wrong, love. You can’t blame yourself for everything all the time.” She kisses him again, this time on the lips, as she wipes his eyes with her sleeve. “Blame Maul, if you want to blame someone.”

Logically, he knows she’s right, but the part of him that’s still drowning in self-loathing doesn’t want to believe her. He hates himself, for hurting Sabine, for pushing all of them away and burdening the rest of them with his… condition. He still can’t say the word blindness, even to himself. 

“I hate that you’re all in pain because of me,” Kanan sighs. 

Hera sighs right back. “Kanan Jarrus, I love you, but I’m going to hit you. We’ve been over this– we all want to help you. You’re not a burden.” 

“I–”

“Kanan?”

He tenses, and he feels Hera’s head turn where it rests against his. It’s Sabine’s voice, coming from the entrance to the common room, he surmises. He hurriedly wipes his eyes, rising to his feet as Hera keeps a steady hand on his arm to make sure he doesn’t trip. He still hasn’t quite mastered the art of keeping his balance steady without vision yet.

“Hi, Sabine,” he says in a small voice, rubbing the back of his neck. He feels Hera move away from him, slightly. “I–”

Before he can finish, he lets out a small  _ oof _ as he feels something collide with his body. A slender pair of arms wrap tightly around his back as Sabine’s head burrows into his chest. “I’m sorry,” Sabine says. “I’m  _ so _ sorry.” 

For a moment, Kanan’s frozen stiff, unsure of what to do. Then he sighs, relaxing and hugging Sabine with just as much vigor. “I’m sorry too, kid. I know your hair looks great.” He leans his head on top of Sabine’s.

* * *

Hera watches them both with a small smile. She still hurts for both of them, for what was taken away from them and what they can never get back, but watching them hug it out right here in the common room is making her feel a little bit warmer. She knows Kanan will struggle, every time Sabine makes something that he’ll never see, and she knows Sabine will stop bragging as much about her art to avoid making Kanan upset. 

But they’ll adjust. She knows they will. Eventually they’ll figure out how to adapt to Kanan’s blindness. Hera will catch glimpses of Sabine looking at sculpting tutorials, and she’ll see Kanan running his hands across the walls of Sabine’s room to try and figure out subtle textures that match the lines of her drawings. 

For now, though, they hug, and they talk, and Hera watches their matching smiles grow until the pain they’re in fades into the background. And she’ll be there to help them both, no matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on twitter @targaryenjedii and tell me how much you liked this fic!!!


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